What if BOUNDARIES were Your SUPERPOWER
Let’s face it: your to-do list is never-ending, your energy is limited, and your mental peace feels like it’s up for grabs. But what if there were a secret tool that could instantly reduce stress, improve your relationships, and boost your confidence? That tool is a healthy boundary—and yes, you’re allowed to use it.
Melissa Urban, co-founder of Whole30 and dubbed the “Boundary Lady,” shares a powerful framework in her book The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limit That Will Set You Free. It’s more than a guide—it’s a RESET button.
Let’s explore how creating healthy boundaries can lead you toward a more confident, balanced, and joy-filled life.
WHAT Are Boundaries, Really?
A boundary isn’t a brick wall—it’s a bridge. It’s not about shutting people out, but about guiding them on how to connect with you in a healthy, respectful way.
Think of boundaries as limits that define what you’re willing to tolerate to protect your peace, health, and happiness. They don’t control others—they guide you in how you respond. Boundaries say: “I want you in my life—but only if you can meet me here, at this limit I’ve set to protect my energy.” They are designed to keep you Safe, Healthy and Improve Your Relationships.
The best boundaries are flexible, not rigid, where are you can go back and later revise if circumstances change.
In addition, boundaries are not about controlling other people and telling them what to do. Instead, they are about telling people what YOU Will Do to keep yourself safe and healthy. Your boundary is not dependent on someone else. It is only dependent on what YOU ARE WILLING and able to do.
Simple Truth – It’s not about them. It’s about you.
Think of boundaries as a gift—they help create respectful, healthy, and lasting relationships
Signs You Might NEED a Boundary
Your body often knows before your mind catches up. Here are some clear signs that it might be time to set a boundary:
- You feel drained or anxious after spending time with someone.
- You feel worse about yourself after certain interactions.
- You’re unsure where you stand with someone.
- You feel pressure to say “yes” when you want to say “no.”
Melissa Urban recommends checking in with yourself often. Ask, “What do I need to feel safe and respected right now?”
WHY It’s SO HARD for Women
Many women were raised to believe their role is to make others comfortable. As young girls, we watched our moms put themselves last. We learned to shrink ourselves, ignore our needs, and feel guilty for setting limits.
As children, most of us didn’t see boundaries modeled in a healthy way. We weren’t taught that “no” is a complete sentence or that advocating for our needs is an act of courage—not conflict.
But breaking free from these generational patterns, as Melissa Urban shares in The Book of Boundaries, is key to prioritizing our mental health without guilt.
Here’s the truth: boundaries are not selfish—they’re self-care. Learning to set and hold them is one of the most powerful gifts we can give ourselves—and our daughters. And as we model this for our daughters, we teach them that worthiness isn’t based on self-sacrifice.
The TRISH Method : H – Honor Your Boundaries and Needs
At RESET with Trish, I teach my clients the TRISH Method for building wellness from the inside out. The “H” in TRISH stands for Honor Your Boundaries and Needs. When you honor what you need, you:
- Stop people-pleasing and start protecting your peace
- Acknowledge your energy limits and recharge guilt-free
- Give others a roadmap for how to treat you respectfully
Healthy habits start with healthy limits. If you find yourself exhausted, irritable, or constantly saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” it’s time to honor your boundaries.
TYPES of Boundaries
- PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES – your body and personal space.
- EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES – your thoughts, feelings and perceptions
- MENTAL BOUNDARIES – your beliefs, values and opinions
- TIME BOUNDARIES – your schedule and availability
- INTERNAL BOUNDARIES – your self-talk, self-regulation, and self-respect
3 STEPS to Boundaries
- IDENTIFY : Recognize when you need a boundary. Listen to your feelings of dread, anxiety or resentment. These emotions are messengers. Where do you feel depleted or taken advantage of?
- SET : Establish the boundary with kind and clear language. Communicate what you need for your well-being. As Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind.” Avoid sarcasm or vague hints—say what you need calmly and seriously.
- HOLD : Uphold your boundary, even if it’s uncomfortable. You’re not being mean—you’re being responsible for your well-being.
STEP 1 – IDENTIFY and AWARENESS
The first step to healthy boundaries is simply noticing when you need one. Your needs matter. Pause and ask yourself: What do I need right now to feel safe, respected, or comfortable? Pay attention to emotional warning signs like dread, anxiety, or resentment—especially around certain people or conversations. These feelings are often your body’s early alert system.
Ever heard of energy leakage? Every interaction—whether it’s a text, a chat, or even scrolling through Instagram—is an exchange of energy. Some people leave you feeling recharged, seen, and inspired. Others leave you drained, frustrated, or tense.
STEP 2 – SET the LIMIT
Setting boundaries can be difficult and uncomfortable but living without them is equally challenging. Sometimes we avoid speaking up because we don’t want to rock the boat. It is hard to express our needs and disappoint others.
But here’s the truth: swallowing your needs, taking on too much, or keeping quiet just to avoid discomfort doesn’t feel good either.
Start by getting clear on what part of the situation is causing you stress. Ask yourself: Is this a boundary I can hold and follow through with? Then express it with kindness and clarity.
Melissa Urban, borrowing wisdom from Brené Brown, reminds us: “Clear is kind.” Don’t water down your words or hide behind humor—say what you mean. Communicate what you need in a way that’s serious, yet compassionate.
STEP 3 – HOLD the BOUNDARY
Setting a boundary is only the beginning. Holding that boundary is where the real growth happens. Here’s the shift: You’re not saying “Only me.” You’re saying “Me too.”
Yes, people might be disappointed or even upset—but their feelings aren’t your responsibility to fix. You’re choosing your truth over temporary comfort. You’re honoring your own needs, even if it feels a little awkward at first.
And the good news is, discomfort is actually a part of growth. With practice, holding boundaries becomes more natural—and powerful.
GREEN – YELLOW – RED Language
Melissa Urban emphasizes the importance of expressing your needs kindly yet clearly. Try using the Green-Yellow-Red language approach – starting with the gentlest language possible (Green), progressing to more direct communication (Yellow), and, if necessary, firmly asserting your boundary (Red).
- GREEN: Kind and gentle, assuming the person doesn’t know your limit.
- YELLOW: Kind but more direct, often with a consequence.
- RED: A firm action to protect your peace.
BOUNDARY LANGUAGE EXAMPLES
Not sure what to say? Try these examples:
- “Thank you for thinking of me. This doesn’t feel like a good fit, so I’m going to pass.” (green)
- “Hey, just so you know, I’m not open to feedback on this.” (green)
- “I need some quiet time, so I’m heading to the other room to read.”
- “If we can’t change the tone of this discussion, I’ll step out for five minutes.” (yellow)
- “The way you’re speaking to me isn’t okay. I’m taking space and we’ll revisit this later.” (red)
- “I’m going to interrupt you. The way that you were speaking to me is not OK for me. I’m going to leave for an hour. And when I come back, we will resume.” (red)
- “I will not participate in a conversation that does not feel safe to me. – I need our conversations to feel safe, productive, and healthy. I’m noticing that (your tone is escalating/you called me a name.) This does not feel healthy. I’m going to take a 5 minute break when I come back, let’s re-engage.” (red)
These phrases aren’t rude—they’re respectful. They say: I respect myself enough to speak up.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Boundaries Are the Beginning, Not the End
Boundaries don’t limit your life—they expand it. They reduce stress, prevent burnout, and increase connection. They let the right people in and keep the energy zappers out.
- Your needs matter– check-in with yourself often to ask “what do I need in this very moment?”
- A boundary is about taking care of yourself. It is not about changing someone else’s behavior.
- Boundaries aren’t about controlling others—they’re about choosing how you will act to stay safe, healthy, and aligned with your needs
- You are allowed to take up space, say no, and prioritize your peace.
- Look to other women that are modeling healthy boundaries to reshape your mindset
Melissa Urban’s The Book of Boundaries is a must-read for any woman ready to reset her life, find her voice, and embrace authentic, nourishing relationships.
At RESET with Trish, we believe wellness begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. Boundaries are part of that reset. And the best part? You don’t have to wait for permission. You can start today.
Ready to reset your boundaries and reclaim your peace?
MORE WELLNESS INSPIRATION
Explore more wellness articles and tools at RESETwithTrish.com
- THE SUGAR JAR METHOD: STOP PEOPLE-PLEASING NOW
- RESET YOUR WORK LIFE BALANCE THROUGH HONORING BOUNDARIES
RESOURCES
- The Book of Boundaries – Set the Limits that will Set You Free by Melissa Urban
- Get Psyched Podcast – Boundaries Melissa Urban – October 20, 2022
- We Can Do Hard Things Podcast 143 – How to Set and Hold Boundaries October 27, 2022
Need a Supportive Partner on Your Journey? I’m Here for You.
Establishing a new self-care routine or building a healthier lifestyle isn’t always easy — and you don’t have to do it alone. Having a coach or mentor by your side can make all the difference in creating lasting, powerful change.
As a certified health and mindset coach, I offer personal coaching, workshops, and speaking engagements designed to motivate, guide, and celebrate you every step of the way. With a loving, supportive approach, I’ll help you set achievable goals, build healthy habits, and step into the confident, vibrant woman you’re meant to be.
If you’re ready for an accountability partner who truly believes in you — I’m here to support your growth and success.
Let’s build the future you’ve been dreaming of — one powerful habit at a time.
